The "I've Been Slimed!" award goes to ABC "debate" moderators Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos who, apparently, channeled the writing staff of "The National Enquirer" and/or "TMZ" in crafting their hard hitting questions on flag lapel pins, the Weatherman and who loves America the mostest.

Moderating in the lofty mode made famous by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello, Beavis and Butthead and Leopold and Loeb, the duo was quite erudite in its questioning, stopping short, because of time limitations, of posing such classics as "Are you still beating your wife?" and "What is it about you that made your husband cheat?"

Rumor has it that Charlie and George have been offered the hosting slots on a proposed ABC game show "Are You Dumber Than A Box of Rocks."

The "First Contestant on Are You Dumber Than A Box of Rocks" award goes to Senator Joe Lieberman (whatever party suits him, CT.), who summed up the conditions in Iraq during the recent Petraeus/Crocker hearings with: "Hey, let's be honest about this: The Iraqi political leadership has achieved a lot more political reconciliation and progress since September than the American political leadership has."

Maybe. But then, again, the Iraqis don't have Bush as their president.

The "I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues" award goes to Elton John. While giving a fundraising concert for Hillary Clinton, he intoned: "I'm amazed by the misogynistic attitudes of some of the people in this country. And I say to hell with them...I love you Hillary. I'll be there for you."

No word on whether he performed "The Bitch Is Back."

The "Love Is Blind(ers)" award has to be bestowed upon John McCain's favorite lapdog, Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) who, addressing General David Petraeus and Ambassador Ryan Crocker, gushed: "If I could promote you to five stars, I would. And if I could - I don't know where to send you. You've been to every bad place there is to go, so I'd send you to a good place, Ambassador Crocker."

They later all canoodled under the stars at Disneyland.

John McCain earns the "Remember the Maine - Kind Of" accolade. Apparently forgetting whose votes he's currying, he appeared at a rally of the conservative Vets for Freedom group and declared: "We will never surrender to extremists!" ("Uh, Reverend Hagee on line five.")

That same week, McCain demurred on endorsing bipartisan legislation for a new GI Bill that would greatly expand educational benefits for returning veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. His reasoning? If the benefits are too good, a lot more members of the military might bail to take advantage of them.

I guess he's worried about a literal Army of one.

The "Getting Bitter All the Time" Award goes to the Spin Doctors (not the band, the anonymous string-pullers). At a recent fund-raiser in San Francisco, Barack Obama was trying to explain his approach to some small towns. "I think it's fair to say that the places where we are going to have to do the most work are the places where people feel most cynical about government," he began.

"Here's how it is: in a lot of these communities in big industrial states like Ohio and Pennsylvania, people have been beaten down so long, and they feel so betrayed by government, and when they hear a pitch that is premised on not being cynical about government, then a part of them just doesn't buy it. And when it's delivered by - it's true - that when it's delivered by a 46-year-old black man named Barack Obama (laughter), then that adds another layer of skepticism (laughter)."

He later added: "But the truth is, is that, our challenge is to get people persuaded that we can make progress when there's not evidence of that in their daily lives. You go into some of these small towns in Pennsylvania, and like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing's replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are gonna regenerate and they have not. So it's not surprising then that they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

Bingo! The crap hit the fan or the chum hit the water. Hillary Clinton was outraged. "Now, like some of you may have been, I was taken aback by the demeaning remarks Senator Obama made about people in small town America. Senator Obama's remarks are elitist and they are out of touch. They are not reflective of the values and beliefs of Americans. Certainly not the Americans that I know - not the Americans I grew up with, not the Americans I lived with in Arkansas or represent in New York."

She added: "People don't need a president who looks down on them; they need a president who stands up for them. And that is exactly what I will do as your president."

McCain spokesman Steve Schmidt also offered an aria. ""It shows an elitism and condescension towards hardworking Americans that is nothing short of breathtaking. It is hard to imagine someone running for president who is more out of touch with average Americans."

Obama copped to mangling his message in terms of verbiage but was not amused by the bitter tea being offered in his direction. He told a crowd in Indiana: "Out of touch? I mean, John McCain-it took him three tries to finally figure out that the home foreclosure crisis was a problem and to come up with a plan for it, and he's saying I'm out of touch? Senator Clinton voted for a credit card-sponsored bankruptcy bill that made it harder for people to get out of debt after taking money from the financial services companies, and she says I'm out of touch? No, I'm in touch.

"I know exactly what's going on. I know what's going on in Pennsylvania. I know what's going on in Indiana. I know what's going on in Illinois. People are fed-up. They're angry and they're frustrated and they're bitter. And they want to see a change in Washington and that's why I'm running for President of the United States of America."

While the Clinton campaign was handing out "I'm not bitter" stickers, writers at The Huffington Post found two interesting quotes from both Bill and Hillary regarding small town folks.

While running against Bush Sr., Bill told "The Los Angeles Times" in September, 1991: "The reason (Bush's tactic) works so well now is that you have all these economically insecure white persons who are scared to death."

And, as chronicled in the 2001 book "The Truth of Power," author Benjamin Barber quotes Hillary Clinton at a Camp David retreat speaking to her husband about the 1994 Republican blow-out in the Congressional elections and all the white southern workers who had forsaken the Democratic Party to vote Republican.

"Screw 'em. You don't owe them a thing, Bill. They're doing nothing for you; you don't have to do anything for them."

Well, at least no one was bitter or clingy back then. Those were the days, huh? Good times. Good times.

The "Owsley Stanley Visionary" award, collectively, is given to George W. Bush, Senator Joe Lieberman and Senator Lindsey Graham for their unique assessments on Iraq.

Carefully taking into account the situation on the ground, Bush declared: "So long as I'm president, my measure of success is victory - and success."

Joe Lieberman, always the Merry Prankster, inflated his jowls at the Petraeus/Crocker hearings and mused: "It seems to me that there's a kind of hear no progress in Iraq, see no progress in Iraq, and most of all, speak of no progress in Iraq. The fact is, there has been progress in Iraq."

Happy warrior Lindsey Graham crowed before a Vets for Freedom group: "You want to know who wants you (troops) to come home more than anybody? Al Qaeda - because you're kicking their ass."

Backing up our terrific trio's factual statements were such headlines as: "1,300 Iraqi Troops, Police Dismissed," "Iraqi Unit Flees Post, Despite American's Plea," "Busy In Iraq, U.S. Also Faces Surging Violence In Afghanistan," "Suicide Bomber Hits Funeral North of Baghdad, Killing 50," "Bombs Kill At Least 60 In Iraq As Fears Mount of More To Come," "Nearly 1 In 5 Troops Has Mental Problems After War Service" and "Pentagon Institute Calls Iraq War A 'Major Debacle' With Outcome 'In Doubt.'"

Kick ass.

The "Economics Made Easy" award is won by "The Washington Post" which successfully summed up Senator John McCain's new fiscal insights with: "McCain Offers Populist Message, Corporate Tax Cuts." Can you say: "Four More Years?"

The "Lord Be Friggin' With You, Dude" award goes to George W. Bush, who complimented Pope Benedict XVI with a starry-eyed "Thank you, Your Holiness. Awesome speech!" Pope Benedict was, reportedly, bummed out.

The "Beer Guzzlin', Whiskey Drinkin', Rootin'-Tootinest-Varrmint-Shootinest Yosemite Sam" medal of honor is bestowed upon Hillary Clinton who, in the wake of Obama's "elitist" take on small town folks, sought to redefine herself as a closet good ol' gal.

The same weekend that saw her downing a shot of whiskey with a beer chaser (Sorry, guys. She's taken.), Clinton performed her one-act play: "Hilly, Get Your Gun."

"You know, my dad took me out behind the cottage that my grandfather built on a little lake called Lake Winola outside of Scranton and taught be how to shoot when I was a little girl," said Clinton.

"You know, some people now continue to teach their children and their grandchildren. It's part of culture. It's part of a way of life. People enjoy hunting and shooting because it's an important part of who they are. Not because they are bitter."

She later clarified: "As I told you, my dad taught me how to shoot behind our cottage. I have gone hunting. I am not a hunter. But I have gone hunting."

Um. Careful. You'll poke your eye out, kid.

CNN's Jack Cafferty wasn't impressed. "Meanwhile, after appealing to gun owners and church-goers all weekend, Clinton refused to answer a question about the last time she fired a gun, saying 'We can answer that some other time' and that it's not 'a relevant question in this debate.'"

And the American Hunters and Shooters Association (AHSA) formally endorsed Obama because he "gets it."

When the whole gunslinger deal came up a' shootin' blanks, a Clinton aide further clarified the initial statement. "This is not a contest about who can be a more avid aficionado of guns and ammo," the aide said. "This is about what Obama said about people living in small towns. Hillary is not a hunter - she doesn't purport to be. She has gone hunting but frankly it's somewhat beside the point. It's about whether you respect people who live in these small towns and rural communities."

Elmer Fudd was unavailable for comment.

The "I'm Shocked, SHOCKED" Award is snared by Vice President Dick ("X-Ray Specs") Cheney, who sniffed, re: Obama: " I thought the controversy over Reverend Wright was remarkable. I thought some of the things he said were absolutely appalling. -- I think, like most Americans, I was stunned at what the Reverend was preaching in his church and then putting up on his website."

That same week saw the headline: "Cheney, Others OK'd Harsh Interrogations."

In a story touted by ABC, it was revealed that a series of meetings concerning anti-terrorist "tough love" were held in the White House Situation Room in the years immediately following the Sept. 11 attacks. Attending the sessions were Cheney, then-Bush aides Attorney General John Ashcroft, Secretary of State Colin Powell, CIA Director George Tenet and national security adviser Condoleezza Rice.

Also in attendance, CIA officers who demonstrated proposed interrogation tactics, making sure everyone in attendance understood the "owie" factor. Slaps, shoves, water-boarding and other techniques were acted out. They were all given a big thumb's up. The only person who wasn't crazy about the CIA's Marcel Marceau as Poe pantomimes was John Ashcroft. "Why are we talking about this in the White House?" ABC reported him saying. "History will not judge this kindly."

The "Wossamotta U Prize for Humanitarianism" goes to former White House shyster John C. Yoo who wrote a couple of nifty memos stating, basically, that when America tortures...it ain't torture! Screw the Geneva Conventions! (Supposedly, one or both of the memos have been rescinded by the DOJ. Nobody's really clear on that.)

"The Washington Post's" primo blogger Dan Froomkin summed up Yoo's contribution to the Administration best: "Yoo's (just revealed) memo is a historic document. It is the ultimate expression of Cheney's belief that anything the president or his designates do -- no matter how illegal, barbaric or un-American -- is justifiable in the name of national self-defense."

Yoo now is teaching at the University of California-Berkeley School of Law. A lot of folks would like to see him fired. The University's dean, Christopher Edley, Jr., says he can't. In terms of torture, Yoo was only the adviser. "President Bush and his national security appointees were the deciders."

Nobody has commented on the exact nature of Yoo's classes but, apparently, his extra credit assignments are to die for.

The "Nothin' Says Lovin' Than Somethin' Stolen From the Oven" prize goes to America's new June Cleaver, beer baroness Cindy McCain, who posted recipes stolen from The Food Network on her "Cindy's Recipes" section of the McCain site. Within a day, the recipe rustling was attributed to low-level unpaid McCain staffers.

Unfortunately, by that time, John had already worked over the Keebler Elves pretty badly.

The "They Call Me MISTER Tibbs" accolade is shared by Republican bozos Rep. Geoff Davis (KY) and would-be NY Rep. David Bellavia. Speaking at a dinner, Davis likened Barack Obama to a "snake oil salesman" before stating: "That boy's finger does not need to be on the (nuclear) button." A week earlier, Bellavia introduced John McCain at a rally, declaring: "You can have your Tiger Woods! We've got Senator McCain!"

Both are rumored to be negotiating with ABC for the coveted debate moderators' slot.

The "Best Unintentional Summation of American Politics" award goes to this wire service headline: "Baby With Two Faces Born In India."

I predict a long and successful career for that baby as either a politician or a spin-doctor, should the kid move stateside.

But pay no attention to what I think.

I guess I'm just bitter.