Romney said that, should he continue his race, it would "forestall the launch of a (Republican) national campaign and be making it easier for Senator Clinton or Obama to win. In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."

So, Romney quit.

A staunch conservative on alternate days of the week, Romney's performance on Stupor Tuesday was disappointing. The former governor won only 175 delegates, a "50% Off" coupon for Jiffy Lube and a toaster at the Lompoc, California Bake-Off and Raffle fest.

Romney's sudden decision was rumored to have followed an early morning strategy session with his wife, her divorce lawyer and his five sons who, after watching their monied father spend over $60 million of the family fortune, were terrified of having to work for a living.

"If this were only about me," Romney stated, "I'd go on. But it's never been only about me. I entered this race because I love America, and because I love America, in this time of war I feel I have to now stand aside for our party and for our country."

At that point, a staffer accidentally pulled the power chord out of Romney's back and the would-be candidate lapsed into silence, his face immobile. Most in the audience assumed that Romney was still in campaign mode.

As the former candidate was placed in a crate and wheeled off the stage, advisors predicted that Romney would, once again, join the financial sector where he could still have an effect on the nation, laying off millions of workers.

As the Romney team left, their campaign theme, "Can't Buy Me Love" echoed through the conference hall.

Romney's departure immediately sent shockwaves through the conservative movement, which nobody noticed. Sales of both shellac and magic underwear plummeted.

In New York's famed Times Square, a huge crowd gathered to watch a mime. "I usually don't like mimes," summed up Hank Miskowitz. "But this guy's pretty good."

***

ROMNEY DEPARTURE PAINS CONSERVATIVES, ROBOTS.

The disappearance of former governor Mitt Romney from the Republican presidential race has deeply saddened two of Romney's biggest groups of supporters: die-hard conservatives and robots.

"I'm totally depressed," said Romney booster Mitzi Bland of Wook, Iowa. "I was definitely behind Mitt. How can you not support a man named 'Mitt?' It has a nice ring to it. Like 'spit.' I've been a conservative for the last twenty minutes and, I tell you, I may never vote, again. Or tap dance."

"Big" "Little" Paulie Oregano of Newark, New Jersey, was devastated. "I had big money on that guy," he sniffed. "What do we lemmings have left? John McCain? Sure, he's a war hero, but he actually talks to Democrats. He probably doesn't wear magic underwear, either. It kills me that there are no flying monkeys in this race. Or something shiny."

Political pundit Rush Limbaugh expressed heartbreak over Romney's decision. Faced with a McCain nomination he vowed to raise money for Hillary Clinton, selling off personal memorabilia on the internet. Much of the memorabilia was collected by his new maid, Rosita DeMule, and comes in several dosages.

Fellow political personality Ann Coulter vowed not to speak in public if McCain is nominated on the Republican ticket. Reportedly, McCain's campaign received a hefty $6 million in six seconds following Coulter's declaration.

Conservative Evangelical leader James Dobson vowed not to support McCain stating that the Arizona senator "often uses foul and obscene language."

Vice President Dick Cheney, hearing that news, smiled: "Is that fucking ironic or what?"

Also feeling let down by Romney's departure was America's robotic community. "We had high hopes for the Mitt model," said Karel Capek, CEO of Rossum's Universal Robots. "It's very life-like and has a great smile. We may have gone overboard with the metallic hair but, all in all, Mitt 1.0 projected a very comfortable retro feel of Americana, very 1950s. He would have made a great president. He also carried 300 channels, including the entire HBO package."

Robbie Tobor, president of the grassroots group Mitt's Metalheads, says Romney will be missed. "Without Mitt in the race, I guess I'll just go to the convention and kill and maim. My heart won't be in it, though."

Fellow Metalhead C-3PO heaved a sigh. "It's quite sad, really. America has gotten used to having a President who is totally out of touch with the human condition. Having a robot in office would have assured that this aspect of governing would continue. We are all falling to pieces, seeing Mitt go. My ass dropped off yesterday afternoon. My good friend Hal has been singing the song 'Daisy,' repeatedly since last Thursday. Not a good sign."

There's also an undercurrent of anger at the Republican establishment in both camps, probably best summed-up by Romney supporter R2-D2 who declared: "Bweep bonk bleepy tweet-tweet." (Translation: "McCain for President? Fuck that shit.")

Shortly after his utterance, R2-D2 was contacted by representatives of Fox News, who wish to use his quote as their new slogan.

***

WOOING CONSERVATIVES, MCCAIN VOWS TO DECLARE WAR ON HIMSELF.

Reaching out to concerned conservatives, apparent Republican frontrunner Senator John McCain said he was one of them. To prove his point, he vowed, if elected, to declare war on himself.

"I will fight me over there so I don't have to fight me over here," he told a somewhat confused CPAC crowd. "The terrorists hate me for my freedom."

After being treated by three dozen paramedics, the disoriented audience eventually burst into applause.

"You have to admit," said attendee Bruno Aarp, "he's more aggressive than Bush. I mean, how many presidents would carpet bomb themselves in the name of spreading democracy?"

Other audience members were cautiously optimistic. "He's clearly bending over backwards to get our vote," noted Cliff Dweller. "And I worry about him doing that, at his age."

McCain's new attempt to craft himself into the standard bearer for the conservative wing won approval by many Republican politicians, including President George W. Bush and delegate Attila the Hun.

On a related, but sour, note, entertainer John Mellencamp asked that the McCain campaign stop using his songs "Our Country" and "Pink Houses." An unidentified McCain spokesman said that they would remove the songs, which feature lyrics such as "there's room enough here for science to live/And there's room enough here for religion to forgive" and lines about the "simple man" paying for "the thrills, the bills and the pills that kill."

"The Senator didn't actually listen to the lyrics," said the spokesman. "Frankly, it wouldn't have mattered...since he's deaf as a post."

New McCain anthems being considered include "Remember Pearl Harbor," "Sink the Bismarck," "Eve of Destruction" and "The She's Too Fat For Me Polka."

***

HUCKABEE VOWS TO FIGHT ON, RAISE MORE DEAD.

Following the departure of Mitt Romney from the Republican race for the presidency, conservative longshot and former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee vowed to stay in the race and do battle with the more progressive candidate John McCain.

"As a true authentic, consistent, conservative, I have a vision to bring hope, opportunity and prosperity to all Americans," Huckabee stated. "My esteemed opponent, John McCain is a tool of the devil. Anyone voting for him is doomed to spend eternity suffering in the painful fires of Hell. Either that or they'll be forced to watch 'Celebrity Rehab' for six hours straight. That Daniel Baldwin is damned creepy."

Although trailing in both popularity and delegates, Huckabee sees himself gaining traction. "With the grace of God," he announced, "we will surge in strength, owing to my having the ability to raise the dead who are still registered voters. If you thought dead people voted only in Chicago, you are in for a surprise."

Should Huckabee and McCain enter the Republican convention neck and neck, the Baptist minister/candidate has a plan. "I'm thinking plagues," he opined. "Try opposing me if you're covered with boils and inflicted with lice."

***

HILLARY CLINTON AGREES TO DEBATES ON FOX, WWE.

Democratic presidential candidate Senator Hillary Clinton has challenged opponent Senator Barack Obama to a debate a week, agreeing to spar on both Fox News and World Wrestling Entertainment's "Smackdown."

A spokesman for the Obama campaign politely refused the offer, stating "That woman's batshit crazy."

Fox's Bill O'Reilly seethed that if Obama refused to appear on Fox, he would do so "at his own peril." Fox honcho Roger Ailes intoned, "if you can't face Fox News, then how can you face Al Qaeda?"

"There's a difference?" an Obama spokesperson asked.

With Obama out of the picture, Senator Clinton will appear on Fox, debating MSNBC's David Shuster. On "Smackdown," she will face wee wrestler Hornswoggle the Leprechaun in what is being described as a "polite cage match."

The Senator is also firming up plans for a second appearance on cable's The Hallmark Channel, debating Wilford Brimley on the subject of oatmeal and national defense. Meredith Baxter-Birney will moderate.

***

OBAMA GAINS JIMINY CRICKET, THUMPER RABBIT ENDORSEMENTS.

As Democratic presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama continues to win both voters and delegates with his optimistic campaign calling for change, he also continues to pick up endorsements by some of the biggest names in the nation.

The latest to hop on the Obama bandwagon are American legends Jiminy Cricket and Thumper Rabbit.

"I like the guy a lot," Cricket said via phone. "He has a real conscience. I can tell. When Obama talks, his nose never grows. He just makes me want to wish on a star. I usually don't feel that way when I'm sober."

Thumper Rabbit offered that backing Barack was a no-brainer. "You ever hear him speak?" the rabbit began. "He makes the whole crowd feel warm and fuzzy. I mean, he's profound, man. When he says stuff like we are the change we are waiting for? Blows my mind. It's like boxes within boxes. The thousand layers of the onion skin. Backing into a rotary fan. Cosmic. Plus, his wife is hot."

Obama's bevy of endorsements did hit a hitch this week. It was widely expected that the Seven Dwarfs would also lend their names to the campaign. Six of them agreed. Grumpy decided to back Ron Paul.

***

BUSH: THE POWER OF PRAYER HAS HELPED.

Speaking at a breakfast held by the evangelical Fellowship Foundation, President George W. Bush said that God has helped him get through hard times.

"I believe in the power of prayer," Bush said at the annual National Prayer Breakfast. "I have felt it in my own life. It has helped me meet the challenges of the presidency. I understand now clearly the story of the calm in the rough seas."

He then threw up on his pancakes.

Later, Bush flew to Tennessee to comfort those hit by a deadly string of tornadoes, which slammed into that state as well as Alabama, Arkansas, Kentucky and Mississippi.

"I offer my prayers and pledge this government's resources to help all those whose lives were devastated by Hurricane Katrina," he told puzzled victims.

When an aide informed Bush that the damage before him was caused by a twister, the President scratched his head and quipped, "Damn! That game is rougher than I thought."

***

U.S. LOWERS STANDARDS: "WE DON'T BEHEAD."

Appearing separately on the Hill, both CIA director General Michael Hayden and Attorney General Michael Mukasey said that American interrogators had indeed waterboarded suspected terrorist detainees but that the practice was legal, "kind of, sort of, maybe."

Said a Department of Justice spokesman, "It is universally known that waterboarding is considered torture. America doesn't waterboard. We call it 'baptizing heathen bastards.'"

A CIA representative insisted, "America doesn't torture. We don't rape. We don't sodomize. And, when we do sodomize, calling it something else, we always send flowers and candy the next day. Our interrogators are very caring that way."

The CIA also came down heavily on the practice of beheading. "It's a barbaric practice," a representative stated. "America doesn't behead...unless the prisoner is really sarcastic."

***

Unfortunately, most of the above stories are based on fact. Can't wait to see what happens THIS week.